I will die if light touches me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.