I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
