forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
