ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
