It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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