Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
