If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
