you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
