Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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