First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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