my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
