Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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