He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
