she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
