Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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