Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
