quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just had sex bonerless
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
