Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
