I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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