I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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