Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
