i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How does one acquire holy water?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
