ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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