its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
