literally had 100 drinks last night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
