pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
