the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
