I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
