He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
