her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
