when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
