Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
