If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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