if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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