so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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