Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
