high people should be assigned attendants
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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