You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
false alarm, still single
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