yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
