i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
