I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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