i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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