I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
