I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
