im about as happy as oj after his trial
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
