I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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