i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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