I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
