You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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