Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
