mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
