i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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