are you still at the devil's house?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
