My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
