grandma shit on top of the toilet
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
