i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
