2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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