I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
