his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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