Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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