i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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