I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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